Peace!

For once, I have nothing earth-shattering (well, my earth, at any rate) to report. I want to see Rent, though. And I have a big of chemistry lurking. But really....yeah. I'm good. Not sure what I'm doing tomorrow, but I'm pretty sure it'll involve sleeping and some sort of church.

I Am Thankful For...

...interviews on YouTube. While Edward Cullen in the movie of yesterday didn't do a ton for me right off, Robert Pattinson does. Honestly. Why hide the accent??? I think that's why he grew on me throughout the 2 hours of vampire-ness. Hello, traces of Great Britain! Nice to meet you! Come in and sit down for awhile!

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody.

The Ever-Anticipated..."Twilight"

So I joined the barrage of fangirls and went to see the movie everyone has been babbling about for a month. And I'm ashamed of how much I liked it. Yes, I've read the books, but books and movies differ greatly.

No, Twilight the moving picture wasn't as good as Twilight the written word. But it was still decent. The casting for Bella could have been better, but overall, I would go see it again, buy it on DVD, and wait for my own personal nighttime visitor to appear.

And I have Bella's bedspread in gray, so that was a neat surprise.

I was gonna type something profound, but I just lost it. Probably because my mother is talking to my father (the computer leech) on my cell phone and he's practically hollering stuff about us going to eat tomorrow. No, he's not mad. He just has bad phone skills and my mother's just loud.

I have to gripe about an annoyance before I can let it rest:

Do you think I want to spend like 3 friggin' hours with yoou guys on a Saturday??? No. I do not. And you probably don't wanna deal with me either, so why don't we just leave it alone for the damn weekend and then do it sometime this week? You four have this annoying little friendship thing going on and I feel very left out and the Big Blonde Immature Moron makes matters absolutely no better by being...well, big and blonde and immature and moronic. And you, Mr. Sci Fi/Action Freak! I do not like you, nor will I ever, because you are a retard. And Matt, even though we're supposedly friends, you turn into a complete idiot around your "besties." I'm honestly gonna smack you or start crying or...something.

And forgive me! I don't drive! I'm pathetic! So you'll have to come over and get me, which nobody really seems to have any concern for! I don't know what'll happen, and frankly I wish I didn't care.

Why why why why why didn't you assign groups? I may have friends, but nobody's gonna be willing to work with me above their own little cliques. I am extremely perturbed about this situation.

*breaaaaaaaaathe*

A Soup Bowl of Subjects

Dane. In all of your raging rants and defensiveness when it's not needed and pointed looks, you still remain my favorite person in the world.

This month has just been full of shout-outs. I've really gotta stop that, because no one but me knows that this blog exists. If they did....oy, that could get interesting.

Dangit, internet, go faster. Faster faster faster. I could never go back to non-high-speed. I'd honestly have a fit.

And how are these people friends with this guy's girlfriend? She doesn't go to our school, she's two grades ahead....*sigh.* The wonders of small towns, I guess.

All right. I'm gonna go finish what I have to do and then I'm gonna read.

...a Thought...

Ugh. Some people are passively stupid. Not actively, like smacking themselves against a wall repeatedly to get people to laugh, but just kinda walking around in a haze and bumping into one accidentally.

I am cold.

And I have a ton of crap to do, so I think I'll go get on that now.

"Ack! I'm overdosing!"

I am overdosing on conservative Christian-ness. I'm in the choir, go to the school, go to the church, and have the majority of my friends belong to their group. And that's not a bad thing, but I'm afraid that I'm losing my well-rounded persona. When I get out to the real world, what's gonna happen?

Question:

You can take the heathen out of her heathen-ness, but can you take the heathen-ness out of the heathen?

(I think Dane started that nickname...speaking of which, I had a random dream about him last night. We were in chapel and sharing a hymnal and being snarky about other people and I really don't think it was chapel, because we were kinda loud. Hmm.)

But back to the overdosing.

I like who I am and where I am and the person I'm becoming. But sometimes too much is enough.

And--contrary to popular belief--leaving my church and joining theirs isn't just due to the Distinction Choir issue. It was a whooooooooooole bunch 'a stuff that would take eighty million years to type out, and for someone who still has to brush her teeth, the time to start explaining it is not now.

You People...

...make me deleriously happy:

Dane. For being straightforward and humorous and all of the things that make me want to smack you and hug you at the same time.

June. For being the intelligent woman behind the man and an all-around sweet person. I'd give anything to have what you have.

Dune. For being the soon-to-be child of my two favorite people. You are going to be so amazingly lucky. You already are. Don't you dare take your parents for granted. Their quirkiness is not something to be brushed off.

Nate. For your fresh views on life and the experiencing of it. I love your honesty and wit.

Layla. For band and your acceptance of me and our traded remarks. They make me so happy.

Caryn. For keeping my feet on the ground when they need to be there the most. Your patience and innate sweetness are appreciated and loved by many, and you will be sorely missed.

Maria. For being original and not caring what anybody else thinks. You may be Caryn's younger sister, but you have a personality all your own and an understanding of the world that a lot of people need. Same for you, Caryn.

Christine. For being one-of-a-kind where everyone else fell into the sleazy lemming trap. You inspired me so much in middle school, I can't even describe. And the fact that we still talk makes me so happy. You're stylish and classy and unconforming. Don't ever change.

Matt. For being even more of a music freak than I am. You think I'm a moron some (read as: ninety-three percent) of the time, but I'm pretty sure that you appreciate the innate strangeness that makes me up. Thank you for telling it to me like it is and giving compliments that I treasure.

Clark, Franc, Beth, Emily. For being your funny, loud, sometimes obnoxious selves. You're helping me to be a real person and you don't even know it.

Elle and Dawn. For being so sweet and accepting of everyone. I love that I have friends like you.

Gina and Raquele. For being amazing and intelligent. I think so much differently of you guys than I did last year.

Pastor Heerheigh. For making religion class an absolute comedy routine. I know we (well, they) get off-topic easily, but I have learned so much.

Mrs. Tuthburg. For treating me like you've known me forever instead of just three years. I don't know why I deserve your niceness but I'm so glad I have it.

Señorita Danner and Bea. For being unique. Thank you so much for calling me sophisticated and beautiful.

Smokey, Keisha, Nita, Tye, Flo, Bebe, and all of the other beautiful people at the store. For liking me without really knowing me and making me believe that I have an attractive personality.

I love you all.

The Storm Has Passed.

All right.

I'm better.

I don't know what was my problem last night, but the entire world seemed to be collapsing on my corner of the universe. I feel like a total moron now, but am so relieved that it's over. It was basically nothing that turned into a huge something. I'm capable of doing that quite a bit.

Siiiiiiigh.

You Can't Always Get What You Want. And Even When You Do, You Will Not Be Satisfied.

Oh God. I am sick. I am so literally sick that I just want to crawl into a hole and die, and it's for a totally stupid reason.

Last year is what I deemd The Year From Hell because of my exclusion from Distinction Choir. It seemingly "ruined my life." This year, things have changed, but I feel worse. Because last year, in the department of music, though I wasn't an elite choir member, I had a voice. Dane would listen to me and my suggestions because he wanted to give me something that others didn't have. He felt sorry for me. This year, I've lost it. I have no say. I'm one of the masses now. And to tell the absolute truth, I'd almost want to go back. Being respected by one is so much more valuable than being one of a respected many but ignored.

For all the good stuff I've got going now...I miss it.

The worst part is, I was pitied. And that is what I hate the most of any of this. I thought we were friends when he was just extending the hand of fellowship to the pathetic and mopey music girl. For all the times he was nice to me, all the stupid stuff we shared, all the times I thought we were bonding, I was his and June's charity case.

I thought he really liked me.

It's like my world just went upside down. I am honestly crying as I write this. I am never, ever going to find anyone that's not an extreme social reject who will want to be my friend based on something that I have rather than something that I lack.

And to tell the truth, that's how Dane and I got to be friends. He would talk to me because I had no comrades. And it just became habit. If I'd had a whole brigade of conservative (or not-so-conservative) Christians that I trailed along with, I would not be in this position and instead would be sleeping.

Nothing is easy. Nothing can just leave me satisfied. There's always some gaping hole, something that could be better, something that is a traumatic event.