You Can't See This!

All right. Do you want a deep, dark secret that I have never told anyone before because I've tried to block it out of my memory? And it's really not even that serious. It's just humiliating.

Before the Conservative Christian School, I went to school that was literally the Hellmouth. A demon would have been a welcome addition to my class. They were the worst people in the entire world--cruel and demeaning and taking every opportunity to make me feel like crap because I didn't participate in sports or wear the garden variety jeans and T-shirt and flip-flops every friggin' day. I was a fine arts geek before the enviornment was conducive to it. Sure, I tried to get into the elite group, but for a pathetic little seventh-slash-eighth grader who was as far away from cool as she was from anorexic, that wasn't going to ever happen. So there I was, stuck with no niche. Elizabeth, my best friend from late elementary school, suddenly moved on to the "popular" group (which, in a class of about sixteen, was everyone but me) and avoided me like the plague. '

And I'll freely admit that I wasn't the most likable person! But I tried. I gave it my best effort up until around sixth grade, when I gave up on trying to please my classmates and made friends with my teachers instead. (Actually, I'd always been friends with teachers, mainly because they didn't latch on to me like leeches and attempt to suck my self-esteem dry.)

So this leads up to one of the worst mornings I ever had. We were in social studies. The morons on the right side of the room were chuckling and whispering, and I was trying valiantly to disappear, because chuckling and whispering was a sure sign that I was involved in the conversation, and not as the protagonist.

So as the class goes on and we watch a video about something that vaguely relates to the topic at hand, the chuckling continues. I ignore.

It continues. I try to ignore.

It continues.

I can't ignore.

I went over and grabbed the sheet from them, and I think that the teacher looked at me like I was a certified whackjob. I read it, and it was that stupid "Learn Chinese In Five Minutes" internet thing. You know, with the supposedly humorous pronunciations...

"Wai Yu Mun Ching"~~~"You're supposed to be on a diet."
"Chin Tu Fat"~~~"I think you need a face lift."
"Yu Stink I Pu"~~~"Your body odor is offensive."

Those are the only ones I remember, as those are the only ones that I heard. Because they were the only ones that they deemed appropriate for me. (Never mind that they totally got what a facelift does wrong. Yugh. If you're gonna insult, use the right one.) And now whenever I see that list, I can't think it's funny. I would like to, but I can't. It makes me nauseous even thinking about it. Some things fade, but this won't. I know it won't. Because....well, to tell the truth, I don't know why. Maybe because it hit all my fears at once?

You want to know the worst part? No one stood up for me. Not even the other girls in my class (all six of them), not any of the other guys. Not even the teacher. I asked him if I could go talk to the principal and I believe he rolled his eyes and told me to sit down. He didn't want to deal with his football players getting in trouble for picking on the weird girl.

I think I still have that list, somewhere. Maybe in a bag at home, packed away with all my old memories of days I'd rather forget and a personality quirk that I wish I could get rid of--the fear that I really have no friends and everyone is just being nice to me because they feel sorry for me. Because that's what I was told at the Hellmouth. That's my greatest fear. That one day it'll all come out in the open--the only reason that Dean let me basically live in the music room is because he "feels sorry for you--that's the only reason he's nice to you. He told us in the locker room."

Sorry. Quote from cerca seventh grade. Possibly sixth.

I don't know what brought this on now. Probably because confessing to an open page, a blank audience, people with no preconceived notions of me other than what I've chosen to put out there, feels mysterious. And maybe...just maybe....that I have people on my side of this issue.

And as much as it sometims annoys me, I'll take the CCS over the Hellmouth any day. So screw you, the Snobs of the Sweatpants Variety. Be amazing at sports. Get pregnant as many times as you want to. Treat each other like crap. Because I am done. As of now, I am done letting you impede my life. Sorry to have ruined your fun by leaving.

Actually, no. I'm not sorry. Because now you're insulting each other. Ha. I did get the last laugh.