You Can't Always Get What You Want. And Even When You Do, You Will Not Be Satisfied.

Oh God. I am sick. I am so literally sick that I just want to crawl into a hole and die, and it's for a totally stupid reason.

Last year is what I deemd The Year From Hell because of my exclusion from Distinction Choir. It seemingly "ruined my life." This year, things have changed, but I feel worse. Because last year, in the department of music, though I wasn't an elite choir member, I had a voice. Dane would listen to me and my suggestions because he wanted to give me something that others didn't have. He felt sorry for me. This year, I've lost it. I have no say. I'm one of the masses now. And to tell the absolute truth, I'd almost want to go back. Being respected by one is so much more valuable than being one of a respected many but ignored.

For all the good stuff I've got going now...I miss it.

The worst part is, I was pitied. And that is what I hate the most of any of this. I thought we were friends when he was just extending the hand of fellowship to the pathetic and mopey music girl. For all the times he was nice to me, all the stupid stuff we shared, all the times I thought we were bonding, I was his and June's charity case.

I thought he really liked me.

It's like my world just went upside down. I am honestly crying as I write this. I am never, ever going to find anyone that's not an extreme social reject who will want to be my friend based on something that I have rather than something that I lack.

And to tell the truth, that's how Dane and I got to be friends. He would talk to me because I had no comrades. And it just became habit. If I'd had a whole brigade of conservative (or not-so-conservative) Christians that I trailed along with, I would not be in this position and instead would be sleeping.

Nothing is easy. Nothing can just leave me satisfied. There's always some gaping hole, something that could be better, something that is a traumatic event.