Deep Thoughts

Spring formal is fast approaching. It's tomorrow, and I'm excited. Excited to see Caryn, excited to flaunt my outfit (honestly straight outta Baz Lurhmann's imagination), excited to commune with Nate, who is my escort.

This is what I was thinking last night---all the stuff about sex on prom night? Is implausible. Think about it. You've got the complicated clothing. Maybe a body shaper. Your hair's done, your makeup's nice. Are you really gonna wanna mess that up? Plus the fake fingernails...hello! Claw marks, anyone? Plus, if you go to my school, you have to be accounted for every freaking second of every moment, so sneaking off to a hotel room might not be the easiest thing to do.

Happy happy joy joy!

So I realized I've been quite negative in my previous postings, which I really hate. So here, for the enjoyment of...well, I'm not really sure who, are five things that I am happy about.

1. Somebody just uploaded a bunch of Doctor Who episodes onto YouTube. (I'm not sure why I like that show. It's not for the aliens, that's for sure. I just kinda skim over them. Ahhh...wait. I know. David Tennant and his quirkiness. That's why.)
2. I talked to Nate today for half an hour, and he made me realize how much I appreciate him. Not through any big thing. Just for being him and being a decent sounding board (for really not-important things). For being someone to talk to. There we go.
3. My paper for The Glass Menagerie that I spent zero time on earned praise from my English teacher. He was very impressed. Feh. He should see this piece of wonder.
4. Caryn, my best friend, is coming to visit for spring formal [which I still need a friggin' dress for]. I have missed her so much. She's quiet at first, but once you get to know her, she's got this sparkling wit underneath.
5. I do have friends, which is something I feel like I've been lacking in the past few weeks. They just live in inconvenient places.....or are my overworked music teacher.
   ....................................and you know what? One more bonus fact!
6. My hair, which I recently dyed and cut, looks kinda good.

The end!

Health Monitering.

That's what keeps popping up on my laptop, because my power cord is retarded

But anyway, to continue my annoyance with Dane. It's over, although I am a bit more cautious with my affections toward him. He's fun, he's sarcastic, but he's also voilatile. I'm watching it.

Ultimate Annoyance

For all the times I've been slightly annoyed with Dane, this tops them all. Abosolutely. He is beign sullen and apathetic and I really don't know if he likes me or not. He's overworked and stretched way too thin and something has to give and that something, apparently, is his reationship with one of his students who happens to be his friend. I am so pissed off right now. I literally hate him. He's my best friend, but I can't tell him how I feel because he'd think I was overreacting and overthinking and wasting too much of my time on someone who doesn't have these caring feelings back.

We're done. Goodbye.

....now I just have to survive over a thousand miles in a confined space with him. Great.

And Dane, if you read this? Invoke a couple inside jokes and smile and start a damn conversation (oh no, I'm just here! being my usual "I don't give a flying--" self. involvement in your not professional life is accepted too.)

I wish it was two days ago. Oh dear God, I do.

ARGH.

I am going to kill my father. He can ruin a perfectly good, relaxing day with:

"I could come up and visit for an hour tomorrow."
...well, I have stuff to do...
"If you don't want me to..."

Shut. UP.

The Price One Pays For Being A Cow.

I cannot find a frickin' formal dress for the life of me. Honestly. It could be in my size (I mean, God forbid I actually go to a store--oh no! Wouldn't wanna inconvenience anybody!), but cost 300 dollars more than I want to make my parents spend. Or it can be cheap, but way not my size. Because I am a procrastinating hog with a 46-and-a-half inch waist that will inevitably end up feeling dumpy next to everyone else even though I put in way more work to what I look like and actually like fashion but always am a fraud!

You know why I cannot fully embrace my inner fashionista? Because I am curvy. I have hips! And fat arms! And disgusting varicose veins on my feet! And I look like a frog from the side! So I work to hide the belly fat and redness and ginormous thighs and that's why! I'm not unfashionable by any means. I'm just not as out-there as I'd like to be.

And oh, the shoe issue. I have size 12 feet. That kinda cuts down on my consumption of Ralph Lauren and the like. That and the lack of money.

My Wish List.

(if I could have 2 out of the 4 I'd be happy)

1. A boyfriend. Or no---better: a husband. That's much more committed.
2. Beauty. I am beautiful if you look at me the right way. (Like, not from the side.)
3. A normal-sized body. That'd be flipping fantastic.
4. Two happy, in-love parents.

Like I said. Give me two.

"What was that? A lesson learned?"

Okay, so after my little passive-aggressive list of yesterday, I have slightly calmed down. But I honestly cannot find anyone I fit in with, because they're either:

A] Too uptight.
.................or................
B] Not uptight enough. (Uhhh, I am sorry, but I like to know approximate times, at the very least]

Not like I mind. All the time. Entirely. Okay, so it gets under my skin once in awhile, but I would rather have only a few friends that I actually like than a ton that make me want to go all Shannen Doherty on them. (That phrase, by the way, is stolen from Jen Lancaster, who wrote Bitter Is The New Black and a couple others that I have yet to read. Gotta give credit here!)

So the lesson of the day is: Do not go on an adventure across state lines with people unless you know for a fact that you're not gonna raise your blood pressure about fifty points.


....and on a totally unrelated subject, I have no clue where my seasons one and two of Sex and the City are. Which is depressing, since I feel like a little nineties New York at the moment. A little early Carrie/Mr. Big dysfunction never hurt.

The List of The Night. Or Early Morning. ,,,or whatever...

Things I Never Want To Hear About Again.

• Sarah Palin.
• The Republicans.
• Disapproval of Christianity. And religion in general.
• The words "dick," "cunt," "banging," "whore," "slut," "cootch," or "condom." Seriously? Grow up.
• Your talent at accents.
• Ugly architecture.
• Your mild impressment with a Broadway musical. Really? It was "pretty good"? Probably because they've spent about a thousand hours perfecting it.
• How expensive things are.

Oh, and I'm sure there are more. But this is just the tip of the iceberg.

Have a little priest.

So my new obsession is Sweeney Todd, which is frighteningly dark. Blame Neal for that one. He introduced me to its fabulousness. I love Mrs. Lovett. I want to play her someday. She kinda reminds me of me, actually. Except I have never made a pie in my entire life. Especially out of, ahem, people.

All right, I'm tired. It's time to hit the hay.

Oh, do I feel like crap. And I'm not sure if it's mental or physical (the first time I tried to type that it typoed SO badly.....I'm embarassed), but given the fact I'm hacking up a lung every seven seconds, I'm pretty sure it's both.

As a quick question, asked in second-person: Why can't you care? I mean, actually let me know you care? I'd appreciate a "Feel better" or even a "You're breathing on me, move" to a half-wave and no facial expression.

God. He really doesn't care.

No, he doesn't love you. And he only shows active care to those that he loves. You get the passive kind.

I feel.....saying "I feel alone" is gonna sound so teenage angst. But I do. I have my parents, but they don't offer what I need. That's not a knock to them, they're great. But I honestly want someone that I can be fluffy and romantic with. I want to be part of a solid couple. Where it's assumed that I'll be with someone, rather than an "Oh, you're coming too?" I am sick of asking. I just....

I just really don't feel good.