Go Forth And Multiply (Apparently)

So I'm pretty sure that everyone in the friggin' world is pregnant. There are two underage sluts (forgive the unpolitically-correctness of that) at the School from Hell, Shandra (a graduate of the Conservative Christian School), June, and Bea, the CCS's artsy lady. What is with this?

I am in such a crappy mood. I have been for the past week. It's just...I want somebody to think that I am the most important thing in the world. And my parents, while wonderful (okay, my father's more annoying than wonderful, but moving on...) don't count. I want somebody to get to know me, then love me, rather than the other way around.

Is that too much to ask?

...I am so whiny. Just shut up.

Dismal. That's The Way It Is.

Have y0u ever had someone in your life that both made your day and broke your heart? All in the same hour?

Screw the same hour, try the same minute.

I have that person. He is witty and snarky and an all-around nice person. When he wants to be, that is. There are times when he's a total ass--unresponsive, uncaring, and unhuman. (I know that's not a word but...it fit with the sentence structure.) And today, he's leaning toward the latter side. And he doesn't mean to. That I know. It's just a byproduct of his hectic life and his lack of knowledge of how much he really means to me.

When we have conversations, I want to slap myself. Because I'm just as bad as he is. I close myself off. And I think it's because, if I let myself go too far, I'll say something that I shouldn't. Something like "I love you." And also because the things that I want to do--put my head on his shoulder, hold hands, ruffle his hair--are things that I cannot do without repercussons.

It'll screw us up if I do anything. I know that. I....no, I don't accept it. But I'm trying.

I will only tell him how I feel when there's nothing left to lose. And I truly mean nothing left to lose. If I'm dying of cancer, if we're in a plane that's on fire, if we're being held hostage by eighty armed gunmen, or if I know in my heart of hearts that we will never ever see each other again.

That is very dismal. But it's the only way that it can be.

"You're a conundrum wrapped up in a riddle, babe."

It is so hard to keep him from popping into my thoughts. The first time he kissed her....when he proposed.....the first time he told her that he loved her. (That one hurts.) I just....I wish I could see that side of him. The non-sarcastic side. For once, I want the sweet and loving and intimate man that's hiding underneath.

These are sweet moments that only they share. I get that. I just want someone of my own to build that kind of structure with--made of inside jokes and shared memories and utter love for one another.

I am so sick of dealing with this, it's not even funny. I just want someone. But I don't want to settle. It's a conundrum.

But you know, it's not like there are people beating down my door. I'm a little too left of center, a little too unconventional, and a little too closed-off. It reminds me of one of my mother's friends from college. She was musically talented, friendly, personable--but she's never found that one person to share her life with. What if that happens to me?

It could. Truthfully. Because no one can measure up to him. The standard is way too high. Even if someone was madly in love with me, they would have no chance. Because whenever I'm with someone else, I see him.

Yuck.

Fabulosity...Or Lack Thereof.

Chemistry. Is. Not. My. Friend.

I have recently learned that I have to be explained to how to do things before I can actually do them. Which is surprisng, since books and I usually get along well. I suppose reading for entertainment is different than Reading For A Grade That Will Affect Your Future. (Heh. Let's not speak of my D+ in Algebra, shall we? Good.)

I am having issues times twelve with Anne. It's strange. Last year, her know-it-all attitude didn't seem to annoy me. Maybe because it wasn't friggin' there. But now, she's got this "high and mighty upperclassman" thing going on.

Is that it? Is she so excited for seniority that she's treating even her friends like her subordinates? I've never thought of that until right now. I mean, it seems plausible now that I mull it over.

Oy.

In other news..............oh, I can't think of anything that fabulous. School tomorrow. It will be The Week The Earth Stood Still, The Freshmen Watched In Terror, And The Seniors Milked Their Status For All It's Worth.

The first week of classes went fabulously. I mean, really really fabulously.

"Why?" you ask with bated breath?

Because I am now in Distinction Choir!

That made my life. And it's encouraging about the whole situation, really.

On a different note, I am never having Anne over for longer than three hours. She's driving me nuts. Have you ever known a story-topper? That's her. Yugh.