Dismal. That's The Way It Is.

Have y0u ever had someone in your life that both made your day and broke your heart? All in the same hour?

Screw the same hour, try the same minute.

I have that person. He is witty and snarky and an all-around nice person. When he wants to be, that is. There are times when he's a total ass--unresponsive, uncaring, and unhuman. (I know that's not a word but...it fit with the sentence structure.) And today, he's leaning toward the latter side. And he doesn't mean to. That I know. It's just a byproduct of his hectic life and his lack of knowledge of how much he really means to me.

When we have conversations, I want to slap myself. Because I'm just as bad as he is. I close myself off. And I think it's because, if I let myself go too far, I'll say something that I shouldn't. Something like "I love you." And also because the things that I want to do--put my head on his shoulder, hold hands, ruffle his hair--are things that I cannot do without repercussons.

It'll screw us up if I do anything. I know that. I....no, I don't accept it. But I'm trying.

I will only tell him how I feel when there's nothing left to lose. And I truly mean nothing left to lose. If I'm dying of cancer, if we're in a plane that's on fire, if we're being held hostage by eighty armed gunmen, or if I know in my heart of hearts that we will never ever see each other again.

That is very dismal. But it's the only way that it can be.